Heavenly Holland

Naija schools don dey beta small-small o! Thanks to the little improvements here and there, two of my lecturers were fortunate to be sent to Holland sometime last year for a few months. This post is about one of those lecturers whom I’ll address as Mr N.

Since Mr N came back a lot of things changed about him. He now wears sneakers and jeans to lectures, with his well-starched, short-sleeved shirt firmly tucked in and a definite new bounce that gives me the impression that his sneaker soles are filled with helium. He also brings only type-written notes to class now as opposed to the hand-written notes (that look like they were written at least 2 decades ago) that is typical of most other lecturers. He is constantly on his computer every time you visit his office which he refuses to stay in whenever there is no light cos according to him, he can’t do without his air-conditioner. Before you start imagining one janded lecturer like this, Mr N is none of that o! He’s a typical Igbo man with “razor blade” = lazor brade syndrome and all.

Anyways, in the course of his lectures last semester, he gave us gist about Holland and if the things he said are anything to go by,

Everlasting life may be found there

According to him, everything needed for life is there, good food, good healthcare, even the weather supposedly contributes. He finds absolutely no reason why anyone should die there. It makes me then wonder why they have a population less than all the area boys from Igbosere to Okokomaiko despite ALL the things that contribute to death here.

Their prime minister moves around in a two-car convoy

This is definitely the main evidence that they don't have an ounce of naija blood in them (forget de white skin) because even wheel barrow pushers here hope to move around in convoys. Infact its my major regret for choosing not to go into politics.

If you don't close your legs while walking, you will be blown away

He was almost blown away himself O! In fact, we thank God for his life… He claims wind speeds are very high there; that he constantly had difficulty getting into his office and the dutch generaate all their electricity via wind power. Maybe Naija should adapt that so we can see wat new excuses the PHCN boss will invent (Militants?)

They worship the sun

No, I'm not referring to ancient Egypt. Modern Holland. Mr N's defintion of worship? The sun is very scarce and whenever it appears, the youth climb to the roofs of their houses and shak (drink) beer without shirts (I wonder if females are involved in this sun-worship activities).

Every prostitute is good enough to take home for a wife...or contest for Miss Universe

Hear him, “My brother, if you go to Holland without a wife its only God that will help you O! because they have very fine, clean girls that the government gives check-up every 2 weeks!” We concluded that he must have ‘committed’ when he added that, “They advertise their numbers on the TV; you don't even have to stress yourself, they will come to you once you call”.

Mr N. must've had loads of fun in Holland cos according to him, the only reason why he came back is because of his family and the next time he goes, oti o!


Afrobabe said...

lmao...I dont think he will be returning if he ever goes again...how have u been?

Aphrodite said...

lol...the man sure had fun on Holland.
Make him no go again o, e fit forget him family next time,lol...

bumight said...

I guess we should all move to holland then?

how've u been, long time no read!

theicequeen said...

alas! he returns!! lmao @ your teacher tho.. e be like he die go heaven abi? loool!

butlets be realistic..jeans to class? how long maguy stay ther?

good to have you back!

geisha said...

i thought it was egypt that worshipped the sun...

wavemasta said...

Hahahaha, Bighead, I live in Holland, and we had 2 lecturers from a university, come to our school for a program...hit me up...maybe I know one of em..but men, about the prostitutes coming to ur house...ol boi, I never hear dat one oooo..lol

stuck in my throat o said...

isi okpukpu,
LAZOL BRADE..not lazor brade!!!
Howz school?
Mon Jazzy!!!

stuck in my throat o said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Beyond said...

most likely , he wont return the next time he travels there since it is so heavenly

ibiluv said...

na the babes hin enjoy pass!!!!!!!

Jaycee said...

LOLLL @ his gist about Holland. Wow, "Everlasting life may be found there?" Muhaha!

Lolll...so they worship the sun by going on the roof and drinking beer? And about the women...lol...the dude's hilarious!!!!

The experiences of an achiever....... said...

lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Heavenly holland.

30+ said...

Your lecturer is hilarious

"He finds absolutely no reason why anyone should die there. It makes me then wonder why they have a population less than all the area boys from Igbosere to Okokomaiko despite ALL the things that contribute to death here" - LMAO.

badderchic said...

I have sooooo missed your big head. kilonsele?

sure sey the guy go wan return to holland lol.

Naija Idol said...

lol@ Mr. N. so omo guy got some holland.... *cough*

Btw, im luvin this ur name oo. Big head! how big is it??? will like to know.

princesa said...

Hey Big head!
Ki lon shele??

Hope u will be at the SBR o...check my blog for details.

Waffarian said...

Hahahahahaahahaha! abeg, no kill me for here oh...hahaha, too funny. You've certainly made my day.

Afronuts said...

LMAO! your story reminds me of the time my mum travelled and when she came back refuse to do laundry the 'local way'. She insisted on the use of a washing machine!

bighead said...

@afrobabe: He still hasn't left...Have they refused to let him in?

@aphrodite: Im wife dey come im office these days sef...talk of close marking

@bumight: I've been deep into skl. They don't speak english in Holland o!

@theicequeen: a few months o!

@geisha: Obviously, the dutch may be traced back to some philanderous pharoah on a vacation

@wavemasta: Hit u up??? I don't think so. Let me save my dear lecturers' name. Are yu in TU Delfts by any chance?

@stuck in her throat: the last 'r' is more or less silent. Only the very bad contort it. Mon Jazzy? French? Dutch?

@beyond: lets wait and see. my fingers are crossed. He's still around tho'

@ibiluv: He didnt's say he committed o! I didn't say so either

bighead said...

@jaycee: We find humour in the oddest places at times

@30+: Guilty conscience: I kinda borrowed that line from an old Reuben Abati (editor, Guradian Newspapers) article

bighead said...

@badderchic: That's hard to say considering he's still around

@naija idol: I think my head is just the right size. I hope the contents are big sha

@princesa: sorry,I checked the SBR detailsss but I was still in skl at the time...am still in skl

@waffarian: I'm sure glad to hear that

@afronuts: no mind we africans, loving to do things the 'local' way [read, 'hard' way]. Yur mum saw the light

Tolantino said...

Ohh.. I cannot shout.. This your gist of Mr. N is totally hilarious! Him coming back from Holland and starting to wear starched shirts with helium filled snickers got me in a stitch. Nice post.

Ciao..for now

Hmmm! said...

Learn to define your variables well or Mr. N wuld be compelled to give you an F

$Razor_Blade = "Lazor_Blade"