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9/05/2007

Perching Simplified

Could it be the one in white? Or the one in Orange? No? OK Maybe it’s the one in the Ankara??? No its definitely not the one in Ankara; she’s talking too animatedly and she’s too distracted to be the one. Forget the one in brown; she’s definitely not the one; there’s too much intent in here demeanour. The one in Orange? Can’t be… she’s standing; that would not happen if she was the one. What are we left with??? The one in white? Most definitely, she fits the bill; eating a little too fast, talking a little too little, more than a little annoyance written on her face. She’s definitely the one who bought the food that the remaining three women were sharing; some obviously taking more than a “percher’s” fair share.

Can you beat that analysis? Nah, I don’t think so especially when you consider the fact that all that was conducted from my bus window on my way home from work and within the span of a minute. That kind of expertise comes only with experience which comes only from over 8 years active perching experience.

For those ajebos here that don’t decode slang like we warri boys, the term “perching” in English refers to the simple and time-honoured act of begging. But I think “perching” sounds more dignified so I’ll stick with it.

When exactly did I start perching? My memory is hazy (maybe because the beginning coincides with the beginning of my memory) but my earliest memories say primary 4.

How did I start? When we were going to school those days, my mum would give us a biscuit which when compared to all the “wonderful” things I could have purchased with 5 naira in those good old days, didn’t seem so crispy anymore. My solution? Yeah, you guessed right… I perched. For 1 naira coloured water (aka ice cream. So “creamy”), for bits of “kuli-kuli”, for choco milo (they’ve re-resurrected that product; new perchers have been born), for chewing gum, sweets, coconut candy (still love those), sausages, “kpo-kpo garri” (Can’t blame you if you don’t know what those are, I barely remember myself), and even other people’s biscuits.

I got into trouble once in primary 5 when my seat mate who daily “supplied” me peppermint and ice cream was discovered to have been robbing his parents to “feed” us and that technically made me an accomplice (I think his folks still look at me somehow today). I paused for a while then.

Just a while though…

In secondary school, I learnt the slang “perching” and the new rules in the game. Perching in my school was something else, it was an institution. First of all, I think every extortionist senior is a percher of sorts. The next worse group were boarders; our victims? Day students. We perched their snacks and yummy lunch off them. Till today, I remember how yam and fried egg cooked in Yinka’s house tastes. Perching didn’t start or end in the class; the HQ was the kiosks where snacks, drinks and ice cream (same colored water though more tastefully done. FAN’s Orange Drink ruled then) were sold. Some went for break to buy, some went to perch, the rest just waited in class to perch for the surviving remnants.

A popular proverb says that “As the hunters (insert perchers) learnt to shoot without aiming (insert: perch mercilessly), the birds learnt to fly without perching(pun unintended)”. Boys had to devise methods to deter perchers; of course, the best inventors were the perchers themselves. One of the first options, was not to spend or soak garri (that’s right, we perched for even that) anymore. That wasn’t sustainable so most guys just resorted to hiding… hide where? Provided you were on the school premises, the hardened folk were bound to find you, even before the first spoon. Things were hi-tech those days; I’m convinced guys had motion detectors, infrared, night vision, remote olfactory sensors and other stuff even the U.S military hasn’t thought of yet. When hiding stopped working, our boys invented the most disgusting means yet; they started spitting (Yes, saliva, phlegm, the whole bunch right into the food. On bread, it could be mistaken for butter). Now that deterred most, including me but some guys were unstoppable, talk of addiction.

Heroic stories abounded, mere boys were transformed into legends based either on perching prowess or deterring capability. I particularly remember the story of how Yomi was perching out of someone’s bottle of coke and out of a corner of his eye spotted his father who had come on an unscheduled visit. His father had seen him perching… what did he do? He returns the bottle of coke, “You can have the rest of MY coke, I need to go and be with my father”. That was just brilliant.

Perching popularised certain phrases in school:

“Abeg, one gulp”

“Make I base your soaks”

“Dat guy na miser”

“Chop alone, die alone” etc

So you thought sanguine, choleric, san-mel, etc were the only personality types available? Perching brought out new ones: perching-coy, perching-pity-face, perching-by force, perching-silently. I think I was a perching-pragmatic-easily-disgusted-not-so-easily-deterred-with-plenty-of-self-respect. Quite a combination. Right?

Somehow when I left secondary school, I stopped perching. Infact, I’m now a little reluctant to accept even when offered and I offer a lot myself too. But my past has become my history. I hope none of my guys really remembers those years… the stories wouldn’t look too good outside this blog (definitely not on my biography), the tales could fall into the ears of my children and they could become perchers, my epitaph could mention that (Arrrgh, that would be distasteful). In summary, please don’t tell anyone.

26 comments:

♥♫♪nyemoni♫♪♥ said...

“Abeg, one gulp”

“Make I base your soaks”

“Dat guy na miser”

“Chop alone, die alone”

CLASSIC!
How about the popular term "FFF"? Friend for food aka Aboki Abinchi! LOL..Tew funny Some people used to be practically beggars in Sec. school sha...I remember this one girl.. Once she sees you with a cooler, she'll follow you around begging, please now? please now? My Girl that girl always used to be hungry...I think the only antidote is to fill your child's lunch pack with enough stuff...as they say in youruba orisi risi! lol!

NikkiSab said...

Perching is not a bad tin. U see as a yang chide a fery fery lang time a-go, i used to do it but with style. u appear wen d person is about to chop and u crack jokes, laff and den stretch ur hand n join d meal. E no b bad tin. Nyemoni 'FFF' is d classic term. FFF aka perching aka mordern scrub is a life long project, so bighead enjoy d ride lol

exschoolnerd said...

This was hilarious...lol at perching..hmmm *racking my brain trying to rememberif i was ever a percher*...well not really but i was being "perched on"(allow me jare)...a whole lot.But i didnt mind sha!!!!


lol @ FFF...had plenty of those..i think i had the most money in jss3 than any other time in my life.And so on my way to school id stop at the supermarket and charter enough choclate,maryland cookies,pringles and take to school...and all of them will surround me, and be all smiles...but once everything is finished its back to treating me like dirt but i continued for two terms...till the day i soji-ed.

UndaCovaSista said...

Lol @ 'perching-coy, perching-pity-face, perching-by force, perching-silently. I think I was a perching-pragmatic-easily-disgusted-not-so-easily-deterred-with-plenty-of-self-respect'.

I agree with nyemoni and nikkisab, FFF is indeed the classic! OPG (other people's grub) is another

Afolabi said...

...lol..Through out my primary school I didn't perch for any food or snack..My mum made us not beg by telling us of people who put winch/poison in their food to initiate others..lol..I got so used to this habit, that I hadly recieved anything from anybody even in high school.

Anonymous said...

the fact that u said 'Make I base your soaks” shows just how gangsta your secondary school was. i mean, see everybody else talking about 'friend for food' being the most common term in their pasts...
i fear that, if u had a friend like me to help write ur epitaph, it just might contain the words:

here lies bighead..
he based one soak too many

bighead said...

@nyemoni: sometimes just the very fact of someone eating something you arent't even if its 5 naira digestive biscuit (and you have a pizza) could fuel perching

@nikkisab: All the perchers in the house put ya lighters up

@exschoolnerd: so you were a victim ehn? eyaa. We were d victimisers.

@undacovasista: never heard the OPG one b4. Will relay that one to my bro so he can introduce it in their school

@afolabi: and you believed her? my mum didnt try that line cos we would have wondered why others werent dying yet... there were some pple i didn't perch from tho' who wants to turn to yam or tortoise

@geisha: the tins that happened in my school remained in the school. when we came out, we were taken (or mistaken) for cream kids.

Atutupoyoyo said...

There was a guy I know who would arm himself with a small cup from a flask. In that cup he would somehow manage to drink the equivalent of about three bottles of minerals during break time. In addition he would eat sausage rolls, coaster biscuits, meatpie, etc. His total personal expense? Zero kobo. The ultimate percher.

Afrobabe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Afrobabe said...

Mennnnnnnn my own perching was in the uni...imagine disgrace,when babes were doing runs I was perching...there was this homely woman that loved cooking on our floor(Aunty Rose)...when we see her bring her cooker to the corridors we (my partner in crime and I)go and tell her stories till the food is ready...after a while she caught the drift and would change her mind about cooking and sleep instead...once we stole the whole pot on the fire self...kai please no mention oh...I have become ajebo in london!

♥♫♪nyemoni♫♪♥ said...

ROTFLMHO @ nikkisaab! Dem dey call am longer throat o! No long thing sha...

Ejura said...

I remember I was the victim of perchers in school back in the day because I was so small in size then. So many people perched on me oh! Especially the seniors! What's worse they'd eat my meal infront of me! kai! Thank God those days are over.

Awoof said...

Oh my days... Memories!!!I've always been one of the shy ones who just slunked into the corners and wiped my saliva with the back of my hand... I've never had enough boldness (Or less enough pride) to beg for food... Well, except this once in boarding house...

Femme said...

are u sure we didnt go to the same sec school?
did u know a guy whose name became solo becos nobody could ever get a base from him?
who is nikkisab? ive been laughing my behind off. omg!
very funny!

Femme said...

his name was don solo.

Ms. Catwalq said...

we all do it men
i have perched and been perched upon.
Like you, my perching has greatly reduced since leaving secondary school. I think that's because the psycological effect of being deprived is gone and we feel like we can always get what we need.
Plus, in my case I am trying to eat less and less cos I am now more preoccupied with figure, forming etc
But damn, the memories.....*sigh*

bighead said...

@atutu: that guy is a legend. What's his name? we should get him a place in the percher's hall of fame.

@afrobabe: kai!

@ejura: in my school, size had nothing to do with it. we had small-but-mighty and big-for-nothing people

@awoof: with a name like awoof? you didn't perch? wats the awoof for then?

@femme: that sounds like something from the stables of KC. had a lot of friends there.

@catwalq: my sis went to QC. I know the gist.

An-Igbo-Dude said...

choco milo..., my best snack/food/sweet/lunch/infact everything. i loved it then like mad, now i cant even taste it

mennn, i missed them days

Awoof said...

My brother, they say that he who fails to plan, plans to fail. Abeg allow me make I do my template this and planning that now o, before it's too late!! I like your blog photo sha...

bighead said...

@an ibo dude's corner: and it sells for about 5 naira. That's a rip-off. Those nestle guys must be joking.

@awoof: I actually envy you and was serious when i asked for the full procedure

princesa said...

Where have i been all this while?!?!
What a blog! Bighead this post was a great stress reliever for me rightnow. I needed it,thanks.

Perching...who no do am for primary school. Even if mumsy packed her best culinary effort for lunch...somehow that razz food the child on the next seat is eating would seem sooo tempting.
I guess everyone perched at one time or the other. The thing is to know when to stop.
Some people na die hard perchers sha...the ones wey go still chop the bread even after you blow catarrh inside.

bighead said...

@princesa: i'm glad to have lifted ur mind even if only temporarily. at what point did you stop?

Manda said...

lmao @ all the comments, n to think i went to the wrong blog to read about Hi-Tech info! U crack me up o! Cant remember if i perched but i know i was bullied a lot in sec skul cos they thought i was quiet o! Will come back if i remember any incident.lmao

bighead said...

@manda: me myself i wonder wetin you dey do wen you go chook your nose for that other blog.

Anonymous said...

Kpo kpo garri, aka tapioca?? Do you mean kpo kpo madiga? That sweet hard dough like bread?

tee hee. Joy . Toronto.

bighead said...

@joy: and I thought I was an aje-kpako. U know every. U sure no be warri u for go school?