10/11/2008

Getting Slapped

Sometime on the 9th of November, 1986, I was born. Good thing my head wasn't too big at birth; would have compelled my mum to do her first and only CS. As the years progressed, my parents decided education was the right way to go; I showed very little aptitude for sports, music or crime. I attended primary school (5/6th primary school, actually), secondary school and as God and JAMB would have it, I gained admission into the university.

The first time I visited the school, I hadn't really gotten in. My sister was there already and informed my overjoyed parents that I gained admission but I had to bring some documents to solidify things. Anyways when I arrived with the kain documents, I had to perch with a cousin, Cigar who was living in a boys' quarter in the staff residential areas.

That night me and Cigar took a stroll but before we started out, he branched a neighbour's house and picked up some company; someone I'll continually refer to as mo. Mo eventually became my current roommate, closest friend and cousin to almost-girlfriend.

But I didn't move into mo's family BQ with him in my first year; Since my 3rd year, I would spend half the semester in my hostel room and half in mo's BQ. In most cases, I would start with sleepovers, then sleep- and bath-overs, then I'll bring in a shirt, then another and before long, I would basically be living there. Now, I'm no parasitic squatter; mo asked for all this so we could work together, I just never moved in permanently cos my parents didn't agree.

I forgot to mention that sometime in my 3rd year, mo's father became a deputy vice-chancellor of the university. The relevance of this? You'll see. In my final year, I informed (as opposed to asked) my parents that I was moving in permanently with mo and I didn't bother paying for hostel accommodation...at first; because before long mo's mum called me and told me to get my hostel room so one of their young in-laws that wanted to focus for his JAMB preparations could stay there. I obeyed. If na yu, yu go disobey your landlady? I paid for the accommodation with money she provided, did all the appropriate signing in procedures and the young lad started staying there.

Shortly after the boy came to complain to me that someone else had been assigned to the exact same space. Me, I carried my two legs and went to ask the hall supervisor why. The kain hall supervisor said I had been bounced. Of course, I didn't find that very funny and insisted on knowing why. The next thing I knew was a hot slap. Yes yu heard me - SLAP. Not slap (abi pat) on the back, not friendly slap on the knee, not tap, pap or crap but SLAP. I was shocked, shaken and saw stars.

Now yu my readers are probably thinking:
"Bighead deserved this, why did he tear the man's shirt".
I did not touch him, much less his shirt
"Bighead deserved this, why did he curse the man mother with the worst kind of Igbo yabs". I spoke plain english addressing my current problem and none other
"Bighead deserved this, why did he raise his voice". Before the slap, my voice was loud enough for just the two of us to hear.

My crime according to him, "...disturbing...". I got slapped for disturbing. As far as I was concerned, I was slapped cos he was taller and some folks think I have a baby-face (a cute baby-face actually *wink*).

After the slap, I raked...oh my...I didn't even know I had that much rake in me cos I had to be physically restrained to stop me from shouting the roof of the hall down. Afterwards, I reported the incident straight to my landlord and landlady (DVC and DVC's wife, remember).

Have yu ever heard the term drinking someone else's panadol. My landlady drank my panadol in this case. We started at the dean of student's affairs who gave me a new room and gave my landlady permission to do whatever she wanted to the hall supervisor that "...he has been giving too much trouble...". From there we went to the university's chief security officer and were about moving on to the Police to get some policemen to arrest and lock up the hall supervisor for unprovoked assault when the CSO asked that we let him handle the case. All the while, I was feeling like a don getting my wounded ego healed. The rest of the story, you can predict.

In my school, the non-academic staff like this fellow are a huge part of the school's problem. I hope they keep slapping people so they keep getting put in their place. My cheek still hurts though. Do yu know any cheek massage therapist?

22 comments:

geisha.song. said...

you hpe they keep slapping people? what about those that don't live with the DVC ehn?

but that was funny sha. try massaging your cheeks in a clockwise motion... :P

fantasy queen said...

not fair i was here first and couldnt get to the comment page...damn blogger!

biggie its good to have you back, i've missed you.
so you were giving them VIP sturves in school eh?
i give a nice cheek massage, come over here, you deserve it, after all the absence from my life.

Abujamaiden said...

I think you should call your lawyer and sue!!

An ice compress on the cheeks!

onydchic said...

Noone's ever slapped me before... well, except my mum, and that happened once. I'm not sure howI would have reacted in your case though, I'm not much of a fighter, but something tells me people would have had to pull me off that dude's cold, lifeless body.

Porter deHarqourt said...

'cheek massage therapist' yeah right, u dey find who go massage am from inside abi?

Chxta said...

E don tey wey I dish out slap sha. I miss Benin...

Naija Idol said...

Bighead!! How i love that name!. Havent u heard of reflex action??? u for slap am back tell am say na reflex action. *hiss*. dulling boy. Hit me up when u r ready for the cheek massage.I be therapist.

bighead said...

@geisha: Don't mind me sha. I'm just frustrated at the way these people try to form power

@fantasy queen: VIP no be small o! Where's the venue for the cheek massage?

@abujamaiden: so the case would be completed in 10 years time and at the current inflation rate, my settlement would buy be a recharge card?

@onydchic: I have never been slapped by family but heck yeah...I've been slapped before...many times. Maybe one day I'll tell the Tope Ojo story. Secondary school...sigh

@porter deharquort: lol...I wasn't thinking in those lines o!

@chxta: No slap somebody 4 UK o! Before they arrest and deport yu. But whenever yu come around for christmas, feel free. Just select your targets carefully.

bighead said...

I no be dulling boy o! I'm aiming at a nobel peace prize so yu see... I'm down with the massage. When? Where?

bumight said...

talk about connections! and slapping the wrong people!!

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

lol! sory my broda. As for cheek massage specialist, I cannot help you. But, if you find one, let me know so that I can refer the people I will be slapping if I ever lose my composure.

InCogNaija said...

Are you serious? lmao! i dont know why i have a strong feeling that you r talking about Oba Awon University and that hall was faj hall...
getting slapped by the hall supervisor...priceless. Glad he got his tho. lmao!

Naija Idol said...

so U live in Warri. Hmm its a small place o. we might even know each oda or have friends in common.The thot of it alone, make me wonder....

bighead said...

@bumight: yeah...

@solomonsydelle: I do the massage myself. porter deharquort is making suggestive suggestions

@incognaija: I'm talking about the only school in naija (as the school-conceited like to tell us) - UNN. And it wasn't remotely funny that day

@naija idol: I was about telling the area where I stay and just thot yu might not want to know. The mystery is comforting to some...

Naija Idol said...

tell me d area.... i want to know.the mystery aint comforting to me o.

bighead said...

@naijaidol: DSC. U?

Naija Idol said...

Airport road. Actually went to DSC today.its was 30 mins (maybe less) from where i live.never thot i'd meet a blogger dat lives in warri or rather close to.

bighead said...

@naijaidol: My parents were robbed blind at airport road b4 I was born and they moved to DSC and we've lived there ever since. I've graduated now tho' and I'm hardly at home so I wonder if can still say I live in warri. I'll be back by the end of month for a few days tho'

Naija Idol said...

airport road sef. we have been managing sha. been robbed once in my entire life. pray it remains dat way. neways before bloggers beg us make we pack our load commot from here, u can add me on messenger xxnaijaxx@yahoo.com.

Padosh said...

Lol can u imagine? Aewooo did u see stars? i cant even begin to imagine ur pain, the shock the horror...,ndo'o nwannem

bighead said...

@padosh: The shock was the worst

Tolantino said...

OMG.. I really laughed my head off at this our story of the unprovoked slap. I can't believe he just slapped you like that.. Mine.. and boy did he get dealt with.. Nice one!