Revelation...I'm not confessing to anything o!

Eureka! Eureka! I’ve finally solved the mystery called women. I now know why nothing would have worked between me and big crush. Surpised; are yu? After making so much noise about big crush, I bone just like that? Welcome to my life. Or welcome to the life of girls I have tripped for.

Initially something might fascinate them about me from afar but when they get past the eye and ear candy, they all lose interest. I don tire. I’m having no more. No more talking about women, thinking about them, planning for them. No more.

Problem is *sigh* I’ve heard me say that before…and I’ve also heard me rush with excitement to tell my cousin about the new gurl I just met days after. So who’s going to be the new gurl now? ******? *******? *******? (Edited out cos of you, Chisom)

Do you feel like you had skipped some previous posts? I don’t blame you. The last time I blogged about big crush I was talking double-layered chocolate cakes now I’m ranting rubbish like a heart-broken sod. The actual change in the status quo wasn’t so sudden; I just wasn’t feeling her on the phone anymore and I decided to let her matter go. Just before I closed the chapter sha, I wanted more evidence so I sent the following message to my friend, Paul who is a lot closer to her

Wats up? How u dey?U still dey lag? U’ve hung out wit big crush a bit. Right?In ur opinion wat are my chances wit her? Personally I think I’m signing out of her case

Hours later, I get the following response.

Yeah, didn’t really knw how 2 say it but I think that’d b d right decision to make. She aight tho but I dunno if she’s ready 4 anythin more n friendship.

Confirmation.

To mourn (celebrate) the end of the big crush project, I fashed studying for the night, OD’d on bread, extended my bedtime by 1 hour and waking time by 3 hours, 30 minutes.

And for those of you still scratching your heads and tapping your weavons trying to figure out what on earth the title of this post had to do with the actual content, here’s a tip: “Revelation” is the last book of the bible and in this big head maps to the end of anything.

Revelation.

One long overdue post about a birthday cakes, ATMs and all what not

December 4th was BIG CRUSH’s birthday.

For months I had been plotting how I would get her a 2-layer chocolate cake with a layer of cream in between, home-delivered, elicit an excited scream from her (which I wont have the pleasure of witnessing) and an even more excited phone call afterwards. I live for moments like that.

I had been plotting, planning, saving and the week finally came.

My first line of action was to get a good baker. I already had one in mind – Cactus cakes, I think. Unfortunately, I got to find out that they didn’t do home delivery to places as far as Festac (she lives there). It then occurred to me that it would probably make more sense to get a baker in Festac. I did some asking around but came up with no suitable suggestions. Infact, at a point, I would’ve have asked Princesa but by the time I remembered, it would have been too late considering that like many of us that added blogging to our job profiles, she won’t have seen my question till Monday when it would have been too late.

December 4th was a Tuesday.

On the Saturday before, I decided to go to Festac and search on my own (humongous mistake). I asked two friends that lived around there for ideas but got no really good suggestions. After over one hour on the road and 3 buses in between, I arrived Festac dusty, tired, with a frown hidden behind my cheap aviators.

I started my search at a Mr Biggs outlet. They don’t home deliver.
Another Mr Biggs, same story.
Goodies, same story…

At this point, I should mention one kain prayer I prayed in the bus on my way there. (Ejura please no comments about me being prophet Ejijah). I wasn’t sure if getting a cake was the right way to go, remember that I’m a bit new to this whole thing, and I had been getting a lot contrasting advice. So I prayed that if God didn’t think a cake was the right way to go, He shouldn’t let me get one. Personally, I’ve not received any evidence of recent that God and me were still on that kain levels (I haven’t fasted in eons, preached to anyone in longer, I still got a ‘B’ in my EE 453 as opposed to the ‘A’ I was praying for etc). I sha prayed the prayer so that if I got the cake, I could safely console myself that He sanctioned it.

Now, back to Goodies, No home delivery. At this point, I remembered the prayer.
I tried some other baker I passed along the way, Angel cakes (I think) she wasn’t around.

Tantalisers.
Yes, they did home delivery.
No they didn’t make the kind of chocolate cake I wanted (they make what I call chocolate coloured/flavoured cake).
No, there could be no cream in it.

I was discouraged but happy that they did home delivery (at least) but I decided to give one more eatery a try before I settled for them. Choices (abi na Choicest?) was around the corner so I gave it a shot. Same old story: no home delivery. I ran back to Tantalisers before they could change their mind. Alas, I was too late; they had changed their mind. There was home delivery for everything except cakes. God is great.

I wasn’t quite done yet (my determination, especially in women affairs, knows little limits). I was directed to another Tantalisers outlet. Getting there, I was told I could get home delivery on a cake with all the options I was offered at the other outlet. I settled for a regular sponge cake with raisins and some customised icing. Not too bad.

Payment time.

Take note that all this while, I had been biking around most of Festac. My wallet was almost empty, I barely had transport money for the return trip and I was relying on the fact that I could top up at any ATM machine. So I went to the closest bank to top up my wallet and withdraw enough to pay for the cake. God is greater than great.

Oceanic bank, “ATM not working”.
GTB, “Financial institution not available”.
Zenith, “Transaction timed out”.
Skye, “Financial institution not available”.
UBA, “Financial institution…”

Now I got really worried. I was far from home in an area I didn’t know well, my wallet was now dangerously low cos I had to do some biking to get to these banks, my credit was too low to call for help and the only friend I could call on in Festac was at work. Even big crush was out of town. I had to find my way to and trek (under the hot sun) to the kain Tantalisers to cancel the order. I was afraid to even buy a drink.

Somehow, I got to Ojuelegba which was close to home so I decided to try out a few more ATMs. I really needed money cos I was planning to travel the next day and I didn’t even have money to buy my bus ticket. The first ATM I tried managed to show my account balance. On trying to withdraw, my account was debited but no cash came out (something I discovered after trying 2 more ATMs). At this point, I felt I wasn’t just prevented from buying a cake; I was being punished for attempting it.

I somehow withdrew some cash from another machine anyway but I couldn’t travel the next day anymore so I could visit the bank and sort out the ATM-stole-my-money issue (something I later discovered could be (not) done from any branch).

Sorting out the issue took very little time and I had more than enough time to return to Festac and complete the cake matter…but of course, fear catch me. Maybe this time na kidnap dem for kidnap me.

December 4th came.

I called her and sent her an SMS in the morning. At night, just before I went to bed, I called again to ask how the day went. Out of curiousity, I asked if she got any cake. Her response:

I didn’t o! Nobody loves me that much.

If only she knew. God is the greatest.

Back!!!

Welcome blogville’s newest SCJP. (do I hear hands clapping?) Thank you, thank you, thank you. Like you must have gathered, I passed; Haters take note, this big head passed his SCJP and will soon be moving on to conquer the SCWCD and after that, the SCBCD, then the SCDJWS, then SCMAD, SCEA and then… enjoying the alphabet soup? Don’t rush it; eba is on its way.

I missed blogging. You guys cannot imagine how many times I wanted to just visit… had to resist the temptation; 30k was at stake. But you know how with every achievement, the achiever makes up a story to make it all the sweeter, well here’s mine:

I haven’t slept or taken a bath for the past 336 hours. Just been reading. That would make me really smelly; poor choice.

Let me try another. I prayed and fasted for 2 weeks non-stop. Too far from the truth; sad to say, but blogsville wasn’t the only part of my life hit by the exam preparations. Lord I’m sorry.

I haven’t stared at any fine girl for the last 2 weeks. Even me, I can’t believe that one; would make me either married or Stevie Wonder.

I haven’t thought of “big crush” for the past two weeks... I wish; I not only thought, I also called, texted and gisted about (about not with) her too.

Should I make it about TV? Yeah lemme try that one: I haven’t watched any movie, series, cartoon or lame bank advert in 2 weeks. God, are you seeing me?

Let me see… How about the truth? I slept at my office three times in one week, including a Sunday night, watched just 2 movies in 2 weeks, been having bread/yam for breakfast, rice for lunch and bread again/boli for dinner. Where’s the protein in that? Certainly not the huge piece of meat my mama-put DIDN’T give me. I must have added a few kg with all that sitting down to study and voracious eating (study makes for huge appetites, you know). So yes, I’m that fat kid who had to pay for 2 seats in the bus. Laugh all you want. You see, that the problem with the truth; its not sensational enough. But that’s it. That’s why I’ve been AWOL all this while. Thank God its over.

How’s everyone been over here? On my end, the air is fresh, the rain keeps falling, the one-legged chickens can’t come out to scrounge through our refuse, the traffic is same, the network has been busy, my credit has been low (as ever) and we may as well use our electricity pole to pluck mangoes. It seems a NEPA official got dissed by a girl that lives around here. Abi did I splash water on one of them while imaginarily driving around in my imaginary Mercedes S350? Abeg whatever it is, I on behalf of the whole Robert Mugabe street issue an official apology. Please give us light.

These NEPA people cannot imagine how much havoc they are causing. The most of which being the impact on my dressing. I now dress like a clown to work cos I can’t iron my better clothes. Pink t-shirt with lemon green trousers, polka-dot singlet on shorts, show-belle bra-top with skirt…did yu see anyone with any of those colourful combinations. Yep, it wasn’t me. But for real, I wore certain things I’ve avoided wearing forever for the first time last week. This weekend I’m definitely going to buy myself some more casual, no-need-for-iron clothes. I can’t afford a repeat. My already-battered dressing reputation is still reeling from last week’s hit.

On the other side of things, my cousins have been good, you would be surprised the amount of favour you’ll get from kids in exchange for a piece of chewing gum. I now stock up regularly on PK. Their (my cousins) selectivity (big word, huh?) has stepped up a bit and good old 4-for-5 naira robotron or 2-for-5 naira bubba doesn’t quite do the trick; PK is the minimum they’ll accept and not harass you for the next, say, 20 minutes. What are kids turning to these days?

My facebook account has also been enjoying a fair amount of popularity; I put up a class picture we took in JS 1 and at the last count, it had garnered 90 comments. We were basically having a class conversation there, reliving them memories. I’ll put up some of the funnier ones later.

I feel like updating forever but I have to start studying for my SCWCD. My textbook: SCWCD for Psychos hit by green meteor rocks. Authors: Clark Kent, Lana Lang, Lex Luthor and Chloe Sullivan. Publishers: Smallville books inc. I have just 2 episodes left of season 4…oops, I meant 2 chapters of the 4^th edition. And then, I move on to Alias SCWCD for dummies by Jennifer Garner. Can’t wait.

Big Crush update: Either fine girls are so nice or there’s something about the weather in Lagos that makes “big crush” endeavor to reply all text messages and even call occasionally. It must be the weather. Cos back in school where it’s a lot colder, you’ll be lucky to even get flashed. I called one girl that had been flashing the other day; when I asked why she hadn’t called, she said the weather was cold. So? Cold weather apparently, according to her, affects the network and makes it impossible to call. Now, that was news to even me, an electrical engineering major who’s done a few courses in communication. E mean say for winter Russians go pack their phone and buy stamps. Abeg MTN, Glo and Mtel take note and do something about it. Let’s see what excuse they’ll come up with next.