Back!!!

Welcome blogville’s newest SCJP. (do I hear hands clapping?) Thank you, thank you, thank you. Like you must have gathered, I passed; Haters take note, this big head passed his SCJP and will soon be moving on to conquer the SCWCD and after that, the SCBCD, then the SCDJWS, then SCMAD, SCEA and then… enjoying the alphabet soup? Don’t rush it; eba is on its way.

I missed blogging. You guys cannot imagine how many times I wanted to just visit… had to resist the temptation; 30k was at stake. But you know how with every achievement, the achiever makes up a story to make it all the sweeter, well here’s mine:

I haven’t slept or taken a bath for the past 336 hours. Just been reading. That would make me really smelly; poor choice.

Let me try another. I prayed and fasted for 2 weeks non-stop. Too far from the truth; sad to say, but blogsville wasn’t the only part of my life hit by the exam preparations. Lord I’m sorry.

I haven’t stared at any fine girl for the last 2 weeks. Even me, I can’t believe that one; would make me either married or Stevie Wonder.

I haven’t thought of “big crush” for the past two weeks... I wish; I not only thought, I also called, texted and gisted about (about not with) her too.

Should I make it about TV? Yeah lemme try that one: I haven’t watched any movie, series, cartoon or lame bank advert in 2 weeks. God, are you seeing me?

Let me see… How about the truth? I slept at my office three times in one week, including a Sunday night, watched just 2 movies in 2 weeks, been having bread/yam for breakfast, rice for lunch and bread again/boli for dinner. Where’s the protein in that? Certainly not the huge piece of meat my mama-put DIDN’T give me. I must have added a few kg with all that sitting down to study and voracious eating (study makes for huge appetites, you know). So yes, I’m that fat kid who had to pay for 2 seats in the bus. Laugh all you want. You see, that the problem with the truth; its not sensational enough. But that’s it. That’s why I’ve been AWOL all this while. Thank God its over.

How’s everyone been over here? On my end, the air is fresh, the rain keeps falling, the one-legged chickens can’t come out to scrounge through our refuse, the traffic is same, the network has been busy, my credit has been low (as ever) and we may as well use our electricity pole to pluck mangoes. It seems a NEPA official got dissed by a girl that lives around here. Abi did I splash water on one of them while imaginarily driving around in my imaginary Mercedes S350? Abeg whatever it is, I on behalf of the whole Robert Mugabe street issue an official apology. Please give us light.

These NEPA people cannot imagine how much havoc they are causing. The most of which being the impact on my dressing. I now dress like a clown to work cos I can’t iron my better clothes. Pink t-shirt with lemon green trousers, polka-dot singlet on shorts, show-belle bra-top with skirt…did yu see anyone with any of those colourful combinations. Yep, it wasn’t me. But for real, I wore certain things I’ve avoided wearing forever for the first time last week. This weekend I’m definitely going to buy myself some more casual, no-need-for-iron clothes. I can’t afford a repeat. My already-battered dressing reputation is still reeling from last week’s hit.

On the other side of things, my cousins have been good, you would be surprised the amount of favour you’ll get from kids in exchange for a piece of chewing gum. I now stock up regularly on PK. Their (my cousins) selectivity (big word, huh?) has stepped up a bit and good old 4-for-5 naira robotron or 2-for-5 naira bubba doesn’t quite do the trick; PK is the minimum they’ll accept and not harass you for the next, say, 20 minutes. What are kids turning to these days?

My facebook account has also been enjoying a fair amount of popularity; I put up a class picture we took in JS 1 and at the last count, it had garnered 90 comments. We were basically having a class conversation there, reliving them memories. I’ll put up some of the funnier ones later.

I feel like updating forever but I have to start studying for my SCWCD. My textbook: SCWCD for Psychos hit by green meteor rocks. Authors: Clark Kent, Lana Lang, Lex Luthor and Chloe Sullivan. Publishers: Smallville books inc. I have just 2 episodes left of season 4…oops, I meant 2 chapters of the 4^th edition. And then, I move on to Alias SCWCD for dummies by Jennifer Garner. Can’t wait.

Big Crush update: Either fine girls are so nice or there’s something about the weather in Lagos that makes “big crush” endeavor to reply all text messages and even call occasionally. It must be the weather. Cos back in school where it’s a lot colder, you’ll be lucky to even get flashed. I called one girl that had been flashing the other day; when I asked why she hadn’t called, she said the weather was cold. So? Cold weather apparently, according to her, affects the network and makes it impossible to call. Now, that was news to even me, an electrical engineering major who’s done a few courses in communication. E mean say for winter Russians go pack their phone and buy stamps. Abeg MTN, Glo and Mtel take note and do something about it. Let’s see what excuse they’ll come up with next.

Wasted Weekend

Somebody save me, let your warm hands break right through me just save me; I don’t care how you to it, dang, dang, ding, dong. Yeah, I know I mashed up the lyrics a bit; Sue me. And for those who haven’t caught on, that’s my version of Remy Zero’s theme song for Smallville and a summary of my weekend.

My new week resolution: Stay off series. When buying bootleg DVDs stick to movies. But the problem is that I didn’t buy the 2^nd, 4^th and 5^th seasons of Smallville nor the 3^rd and 4^th seasons of Alias lying in my wardrobe; eating my time. Got to summon the courage to return them and not borrow anymore.

I wasted a neat portion of last weekend watching Clark Kent beat up psychos. How did it start? Let me take you back to Tuesday. I woke up that morning and realised that I had dragged my feet too long about taking computer certifications so I decided to ask my dad for the money for the first exam. He agreed within minutes and I figured it will take me about 2 weeks to get ready. I decided to put in a few more nights at the office to augment whatever extras blogsville left me with in the day. My first night: Wednesday. Should’ve been very convenient what with the sallah break the next day but a few minutes to six pm and my younger brother calls to inform me that he’s a few metres away from my office; coincidentally, the boarding school he attends gave them the sallah break off. And of course, the nitwit couldn’t call in advance so there went my night at the office (not as if I looked forward to that anyway).

In my hurry to leave the office that day, I forgot the book I was studying for the kain exam. Perfect excuse to spend the next day watching Smallville. No such luck though, thanks to NEPA. I relocated that day to a cousin’s house where there was light (at least, before I arrived). Thanks to NEPA again, I spent the afternoon there trying to carry my little niece, prevent here from jumping downstairs and eating potted plants.

Friday. (I hope you’re keeping track here). I managed to make it to my office to get a few hours of study off plus collect my book thus nullifying all excuses not to read at home. (Who needs excuses anyway?). At the office, I met a few people online and spent more time chatting instead.

Today is Saturday. Actually early Sunday morning but if you consider the fact that I haven’t slept since Saturday, you’ll understand why I call it Saturday. I actually tried studying but I got bored quickly and decided to throw in one episode of Smallville. Just one episode. Couldn’t hurt, could it? One episode became two, two became three. Three became… you know the drill. NEPA does their thing a couple of times and just before my battery runs out they undo their thing and Clark Kent is up and running again. The time now is 3:09 am and my battery is at 79% and still charging so even if our transformer chooses to explode this night, one more episode will still get in. Yipee!!! By the way sef, why does Clark like confused Lana when fineeee Chloe is tripping all over the place. They should let me play Superman so I’ll rewrite the script *wink*. Did I feel sleepy at any point? Of course. But I made coffee *double wink*. All for Smallville.

On to other EQUALLY IMPORTANT matters, I’ve decided to give calling BIG CRUSH a break. I don’t have enough gist with her yet and calls now tend mainly towards asking whether her cold has gone and whether she has started her computer lessons. The next thing we’ll be discussing the weather. Tufiakwa! I took a hint when I called once and she didn’t pick cos “her battery was low”. Can’t blame her though (am I attracted or what?). The break’ll just be for a week and hopefully with the help of certain peeps on blogsville, I’ll have rolling-on-the-floor-with-laughter-with-tears-rolling-down-my-cheeks yans (that’s an official call for help).

On another note, I just posted profile pictures on my hi5 and facebook accounts. Had an influx of friend requests, profile comments and picture comments too. I really am not a bad looking fellow. The one problem: the postees are all guys. Not a single girl. Do I hear snickering? Ekene? Stuck? It has nothing to do with my prestigious all-boys secondary school.

Can’t leave Lex waiting for too long. Let me return.

Somebody save me, I don’t care how you do it just save me….

We thank God O!

Isn't (s)he pretty?

I’ve been for a while trying to figure out how the minds of Nigerian politicians work. Are they just plain, good-old, stupid? (Abi do they think we are the stupid ones?) Or wicked? Or greedy? Or childish? Hungry? Playful? As in what exactly drives them to act the way they do? As if to compound the mystery even further, some weeks ago I stumbled on Alamieseigha’s speech at his thanksgiving. Yes, that’s right…you heard me, thanksgiving. The things we see in Naija. A common thief escapes from UK for money laundering dressed as a woman. His men whom he incidentally stole from give him a hero’s welcome. He gets arrested in Nigeria and after wasting his time (abi was it ours?) he gets away with a slap on the wrist and foreign health care. After which he gets another hero’s welcome? Pays courtesy calls at the state house, does thanksgiving... Do you blame me for wanting to know how their minds work?

Anyway, at the kain thanksgiving, he gives some long speech about his “Journey through the valley of the shadow of death” (God and His Word has suffered at the hands of Nigerians). Here are some excerpts and a few of my more printable thoughts and comments. Knock ya self out:

“………………………………………………………………………………………”

“………………………………………………………………………………………”

“……………………………………………………………………………………….”

Oops! Fellow bloggers, never procrastinate O. I read the kain article and started my post while I was still burning with anger. When the anger subsided, I put the typing aside and promised myself that I would continue typing later. By the time later came, I couldn’t find the paper. I procrastinated looking and right now, there’s no hope of finding it anymore. Anyway, there’s one thing Alamieseigha said that I just can’t forget, for the mere stupidity of the comment. Let me give you that while I continue looking for the newspaper.

He said that while he was in Dubai (abi was it Germany?), he needed to travel to the UK and he called two of his children that were in the UK to fly down to meet him (wherever he was) so “they could help him carry his bags” that “we know he is an old man and can’t carry his bags alone”. Talk of stupidity my friends. Pay round-trip tickets for 2 children when you could have simply tipped a porter (abi na bell-hop, dem dey call those kain people). Or maybe that wasn’t the reason why he called his children down, maybe I’m over-estimating the stupidity of these guys. What I ask, nevertheless, is whether this is the kind of “wisdom” he has been using to administer Bayelsa state. Little wonder some exaggerators say that in his time, there was only one road in Bayelsa (I hope they were exaggerating o!)

That’s all peeps. (This last statement constantly reminds me of a former schoolmate who couldn’t tell jokes and deliver his punch line well and had to say stuff like that so we’d know the joke was over). Let me get back to looking for the paper.

P.S. As you must have noticed, I have something against Alamieyesigha. I don’t deny it. I know a lot of you excuse his troubles as a result of falling out without baba, I’ve heard my aunt say a couple of times, “…but Obasanjo is a bigger thief…”. Nevertheless, he should have been punished for the one he was caught for and when a government with liver comes in, they could feed on OBJ. As it stands now, Alamieseigha, Tafa and the rest like em’ have done their “fair” share of punishment and no future government would like to revisit their case.

Oshodi and other unrelated things

I didn't take that picture

“…you are a bastard”

“…your papa, your mama be bastard…”

“…I say you are a bastard”

“…all your pikin na born-throwaway…”

Bloggers don’t get scared O! You guys are aight. The above is only a snippet of a driver-passenger(s) “conversation” in the bus (one of the many) I plied on Saturday. The time was sevenish in the evening, the traffic was mad, the driver was rough, folks were jumpy with tempers on the edge.

Aren’t y’all already asking what I was doing in that bus by that time of the night? I was on my way to Oshodi from Mile 2. Ehen? So you’re now asking what I was doing in both Mile 2 and then Oshodi abi? Oshodi was on the way home and mile 2 was on the way from Festac. What? More Questions? What I was doing in Festac? You know what? Lemme start from the beginning.

In my last post, I hinted that I was supposed to hook up with BIG CRUSH a.k.a radar-blip (from now on, I’ll refer to her simply as banc… don’t even bother; you would never figure out how I arrived at that pseudonym…infact, if you do, I’ll send yu credit :-)). Anyways, I called banc during the week and we couldn’t come up with a venue so we decided that I go to her house on Saturday. I’m naturally scared of other peoples’ parents especially those of girls talk less of fineeee girls. Nevertheless, I threw caution to the wind and agreed to meet her there.

Saturday came.

I was washing my clothes that morning when I felt and saw the onset of a drizzle. I whispered a quiet prayer and the day became clear. I felt immediately that God was on my side. Let me let you in on a little secret: I’ve been praying some one-liners about this whole banc thing; that if it is His will, He should make something work out between myself and her.

But not all signs that day were positive. In one of the buses I entered on my way there some guy was preaching. I usually don’t listen to bus preachers (my reasons would be the subject of another post). However this particular preacher’s voice had a way of penetrating through the sounds of Switchfoot my mp3 payer was emitting (I’m loving Oh! Gravity, by the way) and I was hearing parts of his message. Particularly the part where he says: “…and all you girls going to see your boyfriends…” and goes on to tell a gory story about one such girl that was used for rituals along the way. As I hear him, I tell myself, “well, I’m not a girl so the girls here affected can take note”. As if he read my thoughts, he extends the message to boys going to see girlfriends. My response to that one?: by the second dictionary definition of “girlfriend” which I want to believe he meant, banc is not my girlfriend (at least, not yet :-D). At this point I didn’t want to hear more (cos the next thing would have been clarification of the meaning of the word “girlfriend” to include banc) so I plug in my earphones tightly and hear no more.

I found banc’s house with little difficulty and the ball got rolling… At this point let me summarise my visit:

I’m liking banc a lot:

She’s brilliant, fineeeee, friendly, down-to-earth, listens to rock…. Let me stop here incase banc ever gets to read this; we don’t want doctors to be faced with an extreme case of SHS (Swollen Head Syndrome).

Yep, that was the summary of my visit. Let me expand, we gisted plenty, went out to eat (Tantaliser’s jollof rice is …arrrgh… the thot leaves a bad taste in my my mouth. I guess it was just that day’s rice anyway cos I’ve eaten stuff from tanties more than a few times and those weren’t so bad). We also walked around a bit and talked a bit more. I originally planned to spend 2hrs there; arrived by 1:30pm and left by 6:00pm. Do the maths. My pocket isn’t complaining so much either, so everyone went home happy. In summary, I had a swell time and the best thing is that she said she did too; I like to believe that she wasn’t just being polite.

On the journey back, things weren’t so swell as the initial snippet must have indicated. I was passing through notorious bus stops after dark and honestly couldn’t help remembering the preacher from the to-trip. I got home safely though. Thank God. And I’m yet to be convinced that He isn’t on my side. Though certain things banc said tend to indicate that my work might be harder than I initially imagined.

She said that her next relationship should be looking at marriage. I don’t mind that but she also said that the person she would marry is probably already working. Now, that worries me cos I’m still in school and even though I plan to be marriage-ready quickly, things don’t always work as you plan. Also, have I ever said that banc is older than me by exactly 11 months, 5 days??? But age is just a number, isn’t it???

The second thing she said that worries me a bit will not be understood without knowing the kind and nature of advice that I have received. Here’s a sampling of them (Yes, I know I’m a jew-man; I’ll add one to that, I’m nerdy too):

“Don’t start what you can’t finish” (Jide)

"...i think u should go visit her in her house and gist..." (A Kel called wonder)

“Be yourself” (Ayo)

"...there is no rush for anything in life. what is meant to be will be..." (Stuck in her throat)

“You don’t have to spend so much the first time” (Jide)

"...the beach?..well, as long as you have the van danme(did i spell it well) look, an ak45,pocket knife...cos when one of those igbo smoking agboros decide to obtain you of ur 'cab fare'...u go know.
u could buy snacks or chocolates, go to her house, just seat outside in your car...em...sorry...bicycle?..lol.but really, i think most girls are really impressed with conversational skills and realness in a guy, than how deep his pocket is(sometimes)..." (fantasy queen)

“Don’t plan what you are going to talk about” (Ugo)

"...beach ke? she might want to eat fish and chips. thats at least 800bucks?..." (femme)

“Ask her to show you around” (Tony)

“Make your intentions known early so you don’t get stuck as a “good friend” (Jide)

“Long distance relationships can work. Don’t wait till you graduate” (Jide)

Thanks Guys.

With reference to the last one above, she disagrees, “…likes her boyfriends around…”. Maybe, I’m thinking in fast-forward and will soon be tripping on my shoes-laces. I think from now on, I’ll maintain a wait-and-see posture and, as stuck-in-her-throat advised, let what will be, be.

In addition to all the advice I’ve received so far, I’ve learnt a few things on my own too:

The responsibility of keeping a conversation interesting isn’t yours alone; the other party also has a part to play.

Don’t judge your rating in the crush’s eye by the other people around her/him. As I was leaving, Some guys came around in a car (for the peeps who haven’t coded yet, my car was…some months away from reality) I may be wrong, but I think she didn’t mind being with me instead and the guys got impatient and left.

By the time my mind is through with the analysis of that day’s events I’ll have more “lessons”; it’s (my mind) currently facing an overload of information.

In the while, she moved a pawn when she called to thank me for visiting. My bishop now has access to her rook (who plays chess in here?). The next move is mine. I’ll keep y’all informed. Have a great day.